Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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