I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
