11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
try to milk me bitch
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
