I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
