I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
