I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
