I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
