When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize