If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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