Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
