I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
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