Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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