Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
