i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
