I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
