Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
