I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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