is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
