I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
