I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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