I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
