i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Actions speak louder than pants.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
