How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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