Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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