Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
