i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
