Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
