I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
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We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
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If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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