I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
