I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so let's talk penis.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
