Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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