you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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