I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
