Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
