Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
