I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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