I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
