The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
