I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
