dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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