I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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