i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
