I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
