I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
