i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
