oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
