Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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