Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
