Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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