I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
