i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
