I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
