Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
