I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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