did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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