Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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