ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
