There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
