Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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