Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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