Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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