he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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