my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
